Crossroads

I don't know where to start, or whether I should be saying any of this at all. But having kept this tornado silent within me for years (read : since childhood), I want to let it all out. Not purposely for anyone to read or comment, but since pouring down my feelings gives me a sense of peace and calmness.

This post may leave the reader in shock, confusion or even anger, and is bound to have several un-pleasant views about me, but I really have this confusion, fear, agony within me to which I haven't found any concrete solution yet. 

Having been born into an upper middle class Hindu Brahmin family from Uttar Pradesh, I was obviously exposed to the relative rituals and traditions that such a background incorporates. Moreover, during my early years, I often had this notion that this was the only religion on this planet. Since my father was posted in Bhopal (M.P.), I did all my schooling from there. I managed to get an admission in the best school there which was a Missionary. So, apart from the belief that I was brought up with, I was introduced to another one while in school. 

I remember we had a chapel there where children and the other nuns went to pray in the lunch time. I went there too, at times. The chapel was small, as it is supposed to be, and was extremely quiet and peaceful. The altar was the only thing of attention. As I sat in front of the altar, and prayed, I always felt that inner peace and satisfaction that I never felt before. I started going there more often, throughout my schooling. I believe I developed some amount of liking and affinity towards it. 

In college, I never got the chance to visit a Church ever. But I had this Christian school friend of mine, and we visited her house at Christmas for cake and wine. Thereafter, I moved out for a job and almost lost all the connection that I had developed with God in that chapel while I was in school. And then, one day, I had the chance to visit Goa. For others, it was a fun trip, a vacation, and ofcourse for me too. But the moment I entered one of its famous basilicas, it felt as if everything came back to me in a flash, almost as if it was never lost anywhere. The church had such a beautiful altar that I could not take my eyes off it. The beauty mesmerised me. The attraction held me even stronger. 

The beaches could not provide me more solace than sitting in front of that altar. I visited Goa again and found the same fire. I cannot comment on whether I have a connection to that place, but I surely have something to do with that faith. I have often thought myself of being unfair to my own religion, that which I was born in. But, I'd rather say that I have an equal affinity to this other faith too. And I tend to find more peace and more clarity there.

I don't know whether I would be experiencing the wrath of the Gods upon me if they find me being unfair towards my religion. But, I would also like to think that it is the ultimate God that matters and not the way by which we choose to seek him. Moreover, if I feel I can reach the cosmic power better through this path, then why not? Not that I demean the other path, but as explained, it's the ultimate God that matters. 

It may seem that I am trying to prove my point desparately, trying to convince the reader of my predicament, but, all I'm trying to do is find out if what I feel in my heart is fair or not, justified or not, ethical or not, makes sense or not.

Why Parents Should Not Be On Facebook

I login to my facebook page one day and receive some fifteen notifications. I click open them and to my surprise, I have a new friend request. Its not just any other request, its a request from my Mom! or atleast the name says so. I immediately open the link to see if there is another woman with coincidently the same name. But alas! it IS her. I ponder for a while whether to accept it or not but within seconds the facebook page says "Aakriti Sharma is now friends with Renu Sharma".

My friends are like, 'Hey, saw you're friends with your mom' (life I was enemies with her earlier!). Some say, 'Hey she's such a cool mom. She's on facebook and all man'. (Now what the hell does "and all man" signify, I fail to understand.)

Its been quite some time that I have been 'friends' with my mom. Didn't know I might need FB for this but nonetheless. I didn't mind that much, me and mom being 'friends' on Fb. She didn't seem to hover over my page. But as a matter of fact, she did when I wasn't online. But then again, she was cool, like my friends said, wasn't she?

A few days later, another notification said that one of my friends had tagged me in her photo. I clicked open the photo to find myself with a few of my school mates in a reunion party. Till there it was nice and sweet and nostalgic. I then realized that we were each holding a mug full of beer. That, my friend is a time when I faced tragedy. I made sure that mom doesn't see that pretty pic of her daughter's. But as luck would have it, she obviously did and strangely for some reason, didn't mention it to me at all. I took that as a blessing and stopped worrying. She was cool maybe.

Later when she saw another pic of my mine tagged with friends, and this time sans the beer, but at some place she didn't know existed, it was then that something motivated her to summon her darling girl for a tete-a-tete.

First of all, I don't understand mothers. Why did she not scold me for the pic with friends? Moreover, mothers tend to bring older topics while scolding us on something done recently. Gadey murdey ukhaadna unki puraani aadat hoti hai :P
As if this was not enough, a few days later, Aakriti Sharma is now friends with Dr.Vimal Sharma.
I'm gone! If anyone comes and tells me "hey, your dad is so cool, he's on Fb man"!, I'm going to kill 'em all. I've already seen how cool my mom is, and I know hoe "cool" can dad be. So, i don't want to take any chances. Even a status update with an unfriendly word can have serious repercussions and cause tremors at home. So, I'm forced to restrain from free speech :P

Not that I can't do without it, but hey you know what I mean. Nobody would be writing Bhagvad Gita verses as their status updates. It's often things that they have been doing, thinking and the like.

Gradually, Aakriti Sharma is now friends with her bua, tauji, chacha and the whole family tree. Where am I supposed to go and hide?

And swoosh! the same facebook comes to my rescue with a "restricted view option". It lets you restrict the viewers who can view your posts, photos,etc. This truly came as a savior.
If and when I post anything that doesn't need special views and comments from the family tree, I make use of this lifeline. And while doing this, I carefully check, double check and then check again if i have included the names of all the tree members. One mistake, one loophole, and I'm finished !

Oh so naughty

Sitting with my 'adrak' ki chai and my laptop in my room, I feel totally calm and composed. My breaths are slow and deep and I'm keeping a decent health at this time. In total, I'm all set to scribble my new post, which talks about the different phases of my life when I not even for once fail to prove to the world that I am one hell of a naughty, mechant(the 'e' is with an accent ague) and a bad bad girl.

This also thus proves that I don't find it embarrassing at all to confess to the world what I feel about the boys that live right in front of my apartment. (oops... there you go)

As I was busy making tea for myself in the kitchen, my eyes (obviously not deliberately) shifted towards the balcony of these gentlemen that I told you of a little while ago. The door to the adjacent room was ajar and outside was a pair of dirty yellow ropes tied to either end of the wall, most obviously to hang out clothes to dry. For most of the time, I have always seen only a couple of not so clean towels and dozens of the navy blue coloured ‘Roopas’ hanging happily outside. Sometimes I doubt either they have a trunk full of Roopas with them OR something I’d not so much as even want to think about is that they wash them once every 2 months and by the time they wait for the dearies to dry, they roam around stark naked in their house :o

While the black tea was waiting for the final pour of the milk to finish off its boiling ordeal, I was busy trying to peep inside the room following the monotonous balcony. All I could see was the switch board, a black bag resting on the floor and nothing more and nothing less.

Moreover, I secretly tend to judge the inmates by the national flags that they hang outside to dry. Not that I'm serious about the judgement that I finally make or the conclusions that I come to. But there is this psychological thing that people have that they measure a person's personality by his clothes. And I'm very close to that, only that the things that I was examining were more or less clothes only :P

And trust me I have NEVER come across any guy who lives in that flat. Never. I don't know when do they come and when do they go, all that I have seen is you-know-what :)

I admit its naughty of me, and also nosy, but believe it or not, its fun sometimes. And that tea only takes not more than ten minutes to cook, I don't have much chance to contemplate over the identity issue.

Awakening to Consciousness

Long since I have been granted the most coveted "diksha" from my reverend Guruji, through constant meditation and pranayam, along with regular study of the Bhagvada Gita, I have evolved a sense of the "other" side of the world. A side, that many are afraid of. A side, that the others say, doesn't even exist. A side, that complements our side of life. The other side that I mentioned, is also another side of life. A life, after death. Years of examples and incidences have been reported, explaining and proving the very existence of the spirit world, but some still failed to agree to the same.

Spirit World,as we know it today,does not manifest itself in front of us. Humans constantly live among these spirits day in and day out, as opposed to the notion that one enters the spirit world only after one breathes his last.

We are constantly and regularly living, eating, sleeping, talking in the very presence of these spirits. They are among us throughout our lives.
Only a few of us can actually sense them and can further contact them and even speak to them, provided one has a significant level of awakened consciousness. This can be achieved through hours and hours of sincere meditation. After a certain level, a person gains enough strength (awakened consciousness), to start having a conversation, grasp a thought, catch signs from the spirit world. The spirits too, desire to contact us through automatic writing, dreams, projected thoughts, visions or signs. It can be anything. Those who are capable, catch these ways and hence become a medium with the human and the spirit world. It is through these people that we can efficiently and safely communicate with the other side.

One another way through which we can communicate with the spirits is while we are in a deep sleep. This deep sleep is mandatory because it is then when our mind is absolutely devoid of thoughts and other distractions. The human spirit travels to the spirit world and meets their loved ones, relatives and friends who are already dead and are part of the spirit world. We discuss all our griefs and problems with them, they in turn provide us with relevant solutions. After this transition takes place, the human spirit transcends back to the human world. It is at this time that we suddenly feel a jolt and our consciousness comes back to us. This happens when the human soul enters our body.

After we wake up, we never remember these meetings that we had with other spirits. The saying has a very strong hidden meaning behind it - "Sleep it over". Thats why we feel relaxed and healed after we wake up from a very deep sleep.

The lesser one is attached to the spirit world, the more one is receptive to the frequencies that come from the spirit world. This is an inverse proportion.
Higher attachment to the physical world bars us from intercepting the vibrations that flow from the spirit world for us to catch and comprehend.

More than we are eager to create a contact with the spirit world, the more eager are they to contact us in order to guide us and advice us. It is hence beneficial for us to comprehend and catch these signs and use it for our own good. Moreover, humans must understand the reality behind the other side of the world that we live in. The quicker we understand and adopt this reality, the higher one can move upwards in the spirit world. I, for once, can't wait to get one with the cosmic light and be 'home'...

Oh so forgetful !

The first day when I was recruited for my project, I gingerly went to my newly assigned desk and sat down staring at my system. The good part was that now I had my own desk, my system, my phone. I also decorated a corner of my desk to escape from the mundane looking office environment. The sad part was that my TL sat right next to me. This was something that I had not wanted ever. But when it comes to me, crap happens faster than anything good !

I was getting acquainted to my new surroundings gradually.Also to the people around me and how they actually acted in different situations. So you can obviously derive that the first person I studied was my TL. Now this guy, I tell you, is one of his kind. I have never seen a guy like him. This was my first encounter with such pieces of nature.

So this man likes to literally 'fly' around the whole row of our team like ten times a day. I understand this action is a part of his position, but for the others, it seems as if he keeps on hovering all over. Anyways, if he is not at his desk, he is definitely sitting in some useless or rather not so happening meetings. And you bet I am sure he relishes them all. So one day I came and sat at my desk, said a nervous 'hi' to him and totally forgot that he is there at all. I was busy checking the innumerable forwards in my inbox when suddenly he got up and went for another of those delightful get togethers in the conference room. I heaved a sigh of relief and continued with my mails. This guy is so short and so fast at work that sometimes its funny to see him in action. He even talks fast, eats fast and walks fast. God only knows what kind of a hurry is he in. Later on, he whooshed out of the conference room and in no time was sitting at his desk. Few minutes later, he got up and started frantically looking here and there. I couldn't help myself laughing seeing his actions. He traversed the whole row of workstations and peeped on every desk, came all the way back and was still unsure of what to do. He then sat on his desk and again got up and repeated his brisk walk. He was on his way back to his desk when all of a sudden he stopped at my colleague's desk and what I saw on his face was an expression of relief. She asked him what was it he was looking for. Both she and the little fellow looked down and saw his shoes lying right there below her desk. He had forgotten to wear them back when he was sitting at her desk explaining her something.So now you reckon he has a habit of taking off his shoes while sitting. And this is not the first time he had to go through this searching spree. This has now become a common aspect of this holy man. I literally had to swipe my card out of the working bay and laugh my head off at this.

Me and my friend came back to our desks only after we felt sober enough to sit and work like the other zombies. The next thing I know is that after we came back from lunch, yours truly was again walking all over the floor with a funny look on his face.This time he was searching his desk furiously. I checked instantly that he was wearing his shoes, so this time it has to be something else :P

I turned and asked him what was the matter. He replied with another funny look on his face- "I seem to have lost my I-card. How am I supposed to go out?" This time I had to forcefully control myself not to burst out in front of the whole team and make a fool of that helpless guy. All I could do to help him was to look around his desk, but I couldn't find anything there. Poor guy must be trying not to burst his bladders off. Then finally something came to his mind, he borrowed a colleague's i-card and attended his nature's call and then came back and again went from desk to desk to search for his card. Some time later, one of his friends came and handed the card over to him. They later explained that he had left the card on their desk while paying a visit to them at their work station. Will it be necessary for me to say that this time again I had to control my laughter like never before. Only after I left me desk could I go out and laugh like hyenas :P

I don't mean to disgrace this man, moreover, I respect him as my leader because he truly is one hell of a leader. This text does refer to him but in a manner only to spread a wave of some funny and true incidences that I was a party to.

Estrangement

Far away, miles apart,

You sit there with tears in your eyes

I lie here with pain in my heart

We know we cannot meet so soon

Till then I rely on the sky clad moon

I see your eyes, I see your smile

It feels like I might just see you in a while

Its so extremely painful

to stay away from you

and here my life has days so few

How I wish I could fill you in my arms

and smell your hair

and touch your skin

gaze into the depths of your eyes

and look at our pair so new

all i can say is baby

with all my heart

and with all my soul

I Love You !!

Bunch of Roses

Ambiguity is what life is all about

Surprises is what it incorporates

Maddening is what it is

Crazy is what it makes you

Love is what its soul is

and that made me what I am today.

That feeling, is killing

enormous adrenalin

Depth unfathomable

Limitlessly on a high.

Makes sure you never get out of it SANE

One person, one soul, one meeting

and there you part with your sanity.

And join hands with total madness

Irrespective of all the taboos,

Suddenly fearless, provocative

and deeply passionate

Kissing like never before,

Holding like you'll never wanna let go,

and then, longing for more and more,

Probing the curves and hills,

Discovering a new horizon

and sleeping in the arms of the one

who was once

just a Stranger to you !!

To You

To the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore,

To the rays of the morning sun travelling through the skies,

To the chirping of the birds in the cool winter air,

more than anything else,

I want to wake up to the sound of your breathe on my neck,

To the touch of your skin against mine,

To the awareness of your body entwined in mine,

To the memory of what happened last night,

To the grasp of your hair in my fingers,

To the mumbling of us until i'm out of my senses,

more than anything else on this planet,

All i want to do

is wake up to YOU...

An Honest Confession (A)

They say that the one whom you fall in love with, or perhaps, may fall in love with at a later stage :P, are the most beautiful ones for you, while to the others, they may be just ordinary looking people. And needless to say, I was also one of the 'shy' victims to this unavoidable judgement. Not that I was on the 'rated' side :P but, right on the other side of it. From his hair to his toe, everything was perfect for me. I could look at him for hours and still not get tired and repeat the same again the next day.

Everytime I look at a guy, I always notice his hair first, and then move on. I mean, not move on, :P but move on to examine his other facial possessions. Now since I was so badly attracted to this guy, I could not help but just glue my eyes on him. Each time our eyes met, I shivered like a leaf. I'd get stuck to where I am and not be able to move one slight bit. His eyes seemed to say so much. But i guess I could not really make out what they meant. To be frank, I never wanted to misinterpret any of his signals.

Ok forget it. The next most important thing I find attractive in men are their stubbles. This is one thing that ties my attention towards them (like hell they care :P)

But for all those who sadly do, I'l be damned :)

Moving on, (I wonder if anyone is even reading this or not), a guy's forearms, gawd how nice they can be. I wonder if there exists such a man who has all these features incorporated.

I'm talking as if I'm one bloody perfect girl, but what the hell, one can always imagine. :)

I often feel that I'm talking crap sometimes ( i mean often), but crap or no crap, I feel I'm entitled to think whatever I want, write whatever I think with no demarcations whatsoever. One cannot always expect me to talk sense after all :P

See I have this weird theory, a man is desirable if he dresses well (preferably in formals), well tailored trousers, folded cuffs (till the elbows) revealing the strong forearms, well chosen shoes, and of course, on top of that, with a clean heart. By clean I mean a heart that holds no feelings of disloyalty and dishonesty. Ok I know I'm being highly unrealistic, and that whatever I mentioned is NOT always the case, but atleast I can make myself happy by merely writing about it.

Oh yes and of course, the 'voice' :P I can possibly not forget this. The heavier the voice is, the weaker a girl becomes :) correction- vulnerable i should say.

(atleast I'm being honest)

But on a very very serious note, I'l finally fall for that guy who dresses well :P, is totally humorous, possesses a gentle heart, and most importantly, knows and understands the beauty and importance of a relationship. And I'm still waiting for that gentleman to show up my doorstep (or whatever step).

I know most of the readers (if there are any) would feel this is a piece of total crap, but all i can say is that there could not have been a more honest confession from me in any form possible.

P.S. I hope all the male fraternity to kindly take this post in a positive manner :)

(I might as well get my 'gentleman' somewhere soon)

null and void

have you ever felt loneliness?? has it ever left you numb?? have you sometimes wanted to run away from reality and create your own world of fantasies? or is it just me whose feeling all this crap? why am i getting such weird feelings?

i am living with my parents, my sis.. but still there is something that is burning inside me. lots is happening man!! i am too far away from my coveted desires and i'm rather blank as to when will i get them materialized. all that i can say is that i'm BLANK. all i think about is my life. all i want is the one to whom i have surrendered it all.

this feeling you know, is damn crazy. it doesn't let you do anything else. all it does is make you as restless as possible. and as if that was not enough, i have my CAT exam 2 weeks ahead and you can very well guess my condition regarding my preparation. I'm trying hard to cope with the situation but all in vain.

it gets worse when you know that this is now or never for you and whatever amount of hardwork you can put in is NOW. and all i'm thinking is.... you know what.

maybe i'm some kinda idiot who is hitting her own foot on the axe, but i still feel i'm not alone.

and i can defend myself by saying that whatever m going thru right now is for the very first time. never have i felt so insecure, so bad, so so so wrong. things feel so wrong.. yes..... wrong is the word.

you know sometimes the patience inside you runs out and all you have to do is burst open. ever since i completed my B.E. (ever since means 8 months :P), i have been at home and just at home. i had nothing to do except study for CAT and other life threatening exams.

now at present all i want is that i get my joining in the company that i have been waiting for, for the past 4-5 months, or i get enrolled in a good ,decent institution to go ahead with my mba, that i'm not really in a mood to do ;)

i wish this phase passes as soon as possible. this has been the worst one that i have ever come across. and i hope i never have to go thru it again ever.

i wish someone's listening .. i meant ... GOD :)

An Encounter with a Lizard

I discoverd it only when i entered my room and found something crawling over my desk, between my books and all the other debris lying around my study table. I thought it must be some coackroach or something. But when I pushed some tings around, I saw a small dark colored lizard merrily moving all over my table. I must admit that I myself did not spend that much time around my study table, which was spent by that innocent little reptile. trust me. ...
Nevertheless, I kept staring the ignorant thing for a long time. Let me admit, I HATE lizards and i can't stand even the sight of them anywhere near me. But, since it was all over my things, i had to stand there and find out some way to hush it away.
I had filled up my bucket of lukewarm water for an early bath, i.e. my early bath takes place around 1 in the afternoon. Anyway, leaving that to cool off while I was hunting for that ignorant which was able to succesfully camouflage itself in the wooden texture of my table, I found a folder stick which was long enough , to tap on the table from a safe distance. But, I had my own fears. It could jump suddenly in any direction it felt like. I had to be careful. But that little lizard was, I think, enjoying this game of hide and seek with me. She dint realize that I hated it like anything. And the best part was... whenever i patted my folder stick on the table to frighten it, I seldom succeeded in doing so. But, on the contrary, it's sudden movements and jumps, scared the hell out of me each minute. I was feeling like a lose in front of it. It never knew what a little piece of thing it was and how much could it frighten humans.
Gradually, I started shifting my books and papers from the table onto my bed; so that I could locate it easily. Let me tell you, this needed a lot lot lot of courage on my part to deal with something that I am madly scared of. Each time I shifted some part of my belongings on my bed, I kept standing motionless, without showing the movement of my breathing to that lizard; as if I felt that it would pounce on me the same second.
But after what felt like an hour or so, I managed to move away everything that my table held. The reptile was joyously playing around the wood. Now that it had enough space to show her jumping skills, it increased my chances of having a breakdown. But somehow God up there, must have had mercy on me after having watched a full hour episode of me and the lizard in constant battle. Both of them seemed to enjoy me being miserable. The lizard suddenly moved to the edge of the table and slipped underneath. For once in that full hour, I felt relaxed. But the next thing I was fearing was its sudden return. Thankfully, both god and the lizard had released me of the torture. It vanished somewhere behind the table. The best thing was that I could not see it.
Finally, I could resume my daily chores. The water had already lost its warmth and I was forced to carry on with the same. I still have to rearrange my stuff back on the table, now that the devil has left its possession. And not that I am lazy or something, but I think after having read the whole tale, you may guess the reason of me not aving returned in my room to rearrange my table.

Aakriti Sharma.....

dilemma

After having sailed into the sea of her "so-called" strong relation, she one day realized, that it was time she opened her eyes to reality. She had immense faith on her own ability to carry on with her love as well as on him. It was a dream come true when she had found him. They had been madly in love with each other. There was not one thing on earth when they felt that it was not meant to be. They were on cloud nine, until now. The more the time went by, the more she had a notion that things were not "so" bright now. Although he constantly reminded her of how much he loved her and how much he wanted to be with her, she still could not come to terms with him.
He was not much expressive with his feelings for her. It was just that he somehow managed to get through. Maybe she expected a lot from him, but he could hardly come up to the mark. This made her mad. She could not handle the relation anymore. She constantly reminded him of what was he like in the very beginning. But, he, in the spirit of being more mature, or whatever was it, paid less heed to what she felt. They were an awesome pair, noone like them. But, something, somewhere was amiss. She felt that something was still missing. She could do anything to repair the damage, if ever there was one. On the other hand, he did not feel different about anything. Everything was the same for him. He could never realize that if he did not pay attention to her, things would not be the same ever. Time was running out. It was now or never.
Something had to be done, but what? She could not decide what to do to make him come back to her, if at all he had gone. Was she hallucinating??? Or was it for real?? Does it happen to every one, was all she could think. Why is it happening to me, was what she often felt. Her happiness knew no bounds when she found him. The more she spoke to him, the more she had a reason to survive. Her sole aim was 'to be' with her love. She wanted to reach her destination, to climb the mountain peak, where serenity resided.
She often felt that she loved him much more than he loved her. She also felt that he was never in love with her. She knew it was not true, still something troubled her. She didn't know what, but she still knew. Sometimes she felt that putting an end to her sweet relatio would be the right choice. But, she could not let herself come to it. Something stopped her from doing so. She could not bear the pain of estrangement. Meare the thought of it made her cry for hours together. Maybe what she wanted was too far away to happen.
If only he understood her well and properly, could things be in place again. If only he gave her the kind of love and attention that she required, could they have been together today. But, as luck would have it, his indifference to her feelings and being in his own world was what kept her worried. She knew it well that such an attitude was not going to keep them together. Her dilemma was taking her senses away. She was dying gradually. She needed to be with him. If onle he knew.......if only he felt te same as her..........if only.......