Friday, November 20, 2009

null and void

have you ever felt loneliness?? has it ever left you numb?? have you sometimes wanted to run away from reality and create your own world of fantasies? or is it just me whose feeling all this crap? why am i getting such weird feelings?
i am living with my parents, my sis.. but still there is something that is burning inside me. lots is happening man!! i am too far away from my coveted desires and i'm rather blank as to when will i get them materialized. all that i can say is that i'm BLANK. all i think about is my life. all i want is the one to whom i have surrendered it all.
this feeling you know, is damn crazy. it doesn't let you do anything else. all it does is make you as restless as possible. and as if that was not enough, i have my CAT exam 2 weeks ahead and you can very well guess my condition regarding my preparation. I'm trying hard to cope with the situation but all in vain.
it gets worse when you know that this is now or never for you and whatever amount of hardwork you can put in is NOW. and all i'm thinking is.... you know what.
maybe i'm some kinda idiot who is hitting her own foot on the axe, but i still feel i'm not alone.
and i can defend myself by saying that whatever m going thru right now is for the very first time. never have i felt so insecure, so bad, so so so wrong. things feel so wrong.. yes..... wrong is the word.
you know sometimes the patience inside you runs out and all you have to do is burst open. ever since i completed my B.E. (ever since means 8 months :P), i have been at home and just at home. i had nothing to do except study for CAT and other life threatening exams.
now at present all i want is that i get my joining in the company that i have been waiting for, for the past 4-5 months, or i get enrolled in a good ,decent institution to go ahead with my mba, that i'm not really in a mood to do ;)
i wish this phase passes as soon as possible. this has been the worst one that i have ever come across. and i hope i never have to go thru it again ever.
i wish someone's listening .. i meant ... GOD :)

Sunday, March 22, 2009

An Encounter with a Lizard

I discoverd it only when i entered my room and found something crawling over my desk, between my books and all the other debris lying around my study table. I thought it must be some coackroach or something. But when I pushed some tings around, I saw a small dark colored lizard merrily moving all over my table. I must admit that I myself did not spend that much time around my study table, which was spent by that innocent little reptile. trust me. ...
Nevertheless, I kept staring the ignorant thing for a long time. Let me admit, I HATE lizards and i can't stand even the sight of them anywhere near me. But, since it was all over my things, i had to stand there and find out some way to hush it away.
I had filled up my bucket of lukewarm water for an early bath, i.e. my early bath takes place around 1 in the afternoon. Anyway, leaving that to cool off while I was hunting for that ignorant which was able to succesfully camouflage itself in the wooden texture of my table, I found a folder stick which was long enough , to tap on the table from a safe distance. But, I had my own fears. It could jump suddenly in any direction it felt like. I had to be careful. But that little lizard was, I think, enjoying this game of hide and seek with me. She dint realize that I hated it like anything. And the best part was... whenever i patted my folder stick on the table to frighten it, I seldom succeeded in doing so. But, on the contrary, it's sudden movements and jumps, scared the hell out of me each minute. I was feeling like a lose in front of it. It never knew what a little piece of thing it was and how much could it frighten humans.
Gradually, I started shifting my books and papers from the table onto my bed; so that I could locate it easily. Let me tell you, this needed a lot lot lot of courage on my part to deal with something that I am madly scared of. Each time I shifted some part of my belongings on my bed, I kept standing motionless, without showing the movement of my breathing to that lizard; as if I felt that it would pounce on me the same second.
But after what felt like an hour or so, I managed to move away everything that my table held. The reptile was joyously playing around the wood. Now that it had enough space to show her jumping skills, it increased my chances of having a breakdown. But somehow God up there, must have had mercy on me after having watched a full hour episode of me and the lizard in constant battle. Both of them seemed to enjoy me being miserable. The lizard suddenly moved to the edge of the table and slipped underneath. For once in that full hour, I felt relaxed. But the next thing I was fearing was its sudden return. Thankfully, both god and the lizard had released me of the torture. It vanished somewhere behind the table. The best thing was that I could not see it.
Finally, I could resume my daily chores. The water had already lost its warmth and I was forced to carry on with the same. I still have to rearrange my stuff back on the table, now that the devil has left its possession. And not that I am lazy or something, but I think after having read the whole tale, you may guess the reason of me not aving returned in my room to rearrange my table.

Aakriti Sharma.....