I don't know where to start, or whether I should be saying any of this at all. But having kept this tornado silent within me for years (read : since childhood), I want to let it all out. Not purposely for anyone to read or comment, but since pouring down my feelings gives me a sense of peace and calmness.
This post may leave the reader in shock, confusion or even anger, and is bound to have several un-pleasant views about me, but I really have this confusion, fear, agony within me to which I haven't found any concrete solution yet.
Having been born into an upper middle class Hindu Brahmin family from Uttar Pradesh, I was obviously exposed to the relative rituals and traditions that such a background incorporates. Moreover, during my early years, I often had this notion that this was the only religion on this planet. Since my father was posted in Bhopal (M.P.), I did all my schooling from there. I managed to get an admission in the best school there which was a Missionary. So, apart from the belief that I was brought up with, I was introduced to another one while in school.
I remember we had a chapel there where children and the other nuns went to pray in the lunch time. I went there too, at times. The chapel was small, as it is supposed to be, and was extremely quiet and peaceful. The altar was the only thing of attention. As I sat in front of the altar, and prayed, I always felt that inner peace and satisfaction that I never felt before. I started going there more often, throughout my schooling. I believe I developed some amount of liking and affinity towards it.
In college, I never got the chance to visit a Church ever. But I had this Christian school friend of mine, and we visited her house at Christmas for cake and wine. Thereafter, I moved out for a job and almost lost all the connection that I had developed with God in that chapel while I was in school. And then, one day, I had the chance to visit Goa. For others, it was a fun trip, a vacation, and ofcourse for me too. But the moment I entered one of its famous basilicas, it felt as if everything came back to me in a flash, almost as if it was never lost anywhere. The church had such a beautiful altar that I could not take my eyes off it. The beauty mesmerised me. The attraction held me even stronger.
The beaches could not provide me more solace than sitting in front of that altar. I visited Goa again and found the same fire. I cannot comment on whether I have a connection to that place, but I surely have something to do with that faith. I have often thought myself of being unfair to my own religion, that which I was born in. But, I'd rather say that I have an equal affinity to this other faith too. And I tend to find more peace and more clarity there.
I don't know whether I would be experiencing the wrath of the Gods upon me if they find me being unfair towards my religion. But, I would also like to think that it is the ultimate God that matters and not the way by which we choose to seek him. Moreover, if I feel I can reach the cosmic power better through this path, then why not? Not that I demean the other path, but as explained, it's the ultimate God that matters.
It may seem that I am trying to prove my point desparately, trying to convince the reader of my predicament, but, all I'm trying to do is find out if what I feel in my heart is fair or not, justified or not, ethical or not, makes sense or not.